Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog