HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans