Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
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Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
OMG 🤣🤣
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
“you recording!?”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.