Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them