Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
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Velcrow
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Breaking news:
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.