Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
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Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9