Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
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lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?