Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
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ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
meow
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold