Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
You Might Also Like
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.