“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs: