Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
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just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!