Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣