Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
You Might Also Like
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I falcon love using swear birds
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.