HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I think my mom just blocked me
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body