Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”