Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
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-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
this is the greatest thing ever
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.