Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
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they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great