Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf