Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.