captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
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Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
@funTweeters I am at your service….
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.