Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
A dad and his duck
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal