Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
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Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
#Caturday
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology