DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
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when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.