Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
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Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.