[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
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Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Friends that check up on you >
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Smells like a challenge to me