Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
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How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Banana is the quietest snack
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.