him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
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11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
man: wait
time: no
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.