I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
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The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.