Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
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Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice