Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
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Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
White parent Vs Arab parents
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST