Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
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Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?