Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
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God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.