Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
Meme Monday.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Social distancing in Australia:
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.