Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.