Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
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it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.