Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
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me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
AM I BEING GASLIT????
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.