him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
You Might Also Like
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Just got to our Airbnb!
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.