HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.