Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
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I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
ready to be harvested
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Made something I’m not proud of
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight