Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
the last thing a carrot sees
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?