Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
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You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
*limbos away from your hug*
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.