HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
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Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
The answer is funnier than the question
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.