Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
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Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
uh oh
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
twitter users today:
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML