Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Growing out my freckles.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone