Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
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[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Saw your ex at the shops
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?