Him: Why are the lights out? Are u avoiding trick or treaters?
Me (Peeling a Snickers bar by the light of my iPhone): Exactly.
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Noted.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER