Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.