HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.