HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
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* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Stop.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?