Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
From my Mom
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.